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Update on Cinderella

Villa — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:23:46 GMT

Update on Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and
I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside
her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob,
my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood
before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him
neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young
muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his
warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'

No lo pienses mas!

Villa — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:42:48 GMT

Ahi mamma, non so se sposarmi col contabile o col militare. - Dice una ragazza a sua madre, molto confusa
-Non pensarci pi� figlia mia, sposati col militare, sanno cucinare, fare i letti e ricevere ordini.

- �Ay mam�! No s� si casarme con el contable o con el militar. - Le dice muy confundida una joven a su madre.
- No lo pienses m�s hija, c�sate con el militar, saben cocinar, hacer la cama, y recibir ordenes.

"Oh mother! I don't know if I should marry the accountant or the military man." A young woman tells her mother confused.
"Don't think about it anymore daughter, marry the military man, he knows how to cook, make the bed and receive orders."

Consultants

Giovanni Nason — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:28:56 GMT

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Italian bread

Giovanni Nason — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:24:40 GMT

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me!

I can't look that old !

Giovanni Nason — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 18:31:26 GMT

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?

Well...you'll love this one.

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too
old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ..

'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'when did you graduate?' i asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that
ugly,
old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat ass,

grey-haired,

decrepit,
son-of-a-bitch asked:

'what did you teach?

Hu is the new leader of China ??

falco del Nilo — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:17:10 GMT

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader
of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in
the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at
the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone ..

Letter from an Italian mother!

Calimero — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:17:08 GMT

Italians delight in jokes about Carabinieri and their families. Here is one I translated:

Letter from a mother to her ‘Carabiniere’ son.

Dear son, I’m writing these few lines so you know I have written. If you receive this then it means it has arrived. If you don’t receive it, let me know and I’ll send it again.
I’m writing slowly because I know you can’t read in a hurry.
Some time ago your father read in the paper that the majority of accidents happen within a radius of a kilometre from ones home. So we have decided to move a little farther away. The new house is wonderful.

There is a washing machine, but I’m not sure if it works. Just yesterday I put the washing in, pulled the water tap and the washing disappeared completely.

The weather here isn’t too bad. Last week it rained twice: the first time for three days and the second for four.

Oh, about the jacket that you asked me for, your Uncle Piero told me to send it to you with the buttons still on would be quite expensive (because of the weight of the buttons). So I took them off. If you want to sew them back on, I’ve put them in the inside pocket.

Your brother Gianni has been very silly with the car: he got out and locked the door leaving the keys inside. So he had to go into the house to get the second set of keys, and then we were able to get out of the car too.

If you see Margherita – say hello from me, but if you don’t see her don’t say anything.

Your loving Mother who loves you a lot.

P.S. I wanted to put put some money in this letter for you, but I’d already sealed the envelope.

Tutti noi abbiamo bisogno di credere in qualcosa.

Villa — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 14:58:18 GMT

Tutti noi abbiamo bisogno di credere in qualcosa. Io credo che tra un attimo mi far� un'altra birra.

We all need to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Italian Mother goes NUTS on her son over hotel bill

Villa — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 02:12:09 GMT

YouTube - Italian mother goes NUTS on her son over hotel bill

6 min - Apr 10, 2008 -

This guy calls a radio station and wants them to prank call his mother saying she is responcible for the bill. ... MARIAH CAREY & MY ITALIAN MOTHER ...

YouTube - Mother goes NUTS on her son over hotel...

- Related videos

An Italian Boy's Confession

Villa — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 16:00:06 GMT

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

International Relations

Steve Evans — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 15:24:09 GMT

WRONG BITCH

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are
so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.. "Please, Ma'am, May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American
in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Un altro scherzo...

Steve Evans — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 13:48:40 GMT

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Alessandro was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Alessandro reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Alessandro smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Alessandro reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Alessandro falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian".