What do Italians do when a close one dies? Do they arrange a funeral quickly? Is cremation an option? What do they do different than we do in the U.S?

My father passed away in Texas in January. It wasn't sudden as he had been battling cancer for a while. He was 81. He died on Friday, visitation was Sunday evening, burial Monday morning. I live 3 hours away and was home again Monday night. It all happened very fast - almost too fast. I was wondering if Italians treat death like we do here, rarely talking about it, and then getting it over with asap.

Martha - Firstly, I am very sorry to hear of your loss, and hope you find strength and support from your family and friends.

I have unfortunately (or fortunately I guess, as I was able to pay my last respects) been here when both my wife's grandparents died. The funerals were both very quick, partly I suspect as the coffins are kept open until the burial. When my father-in-law died 18 months ago, I trouble arranging a flight from the UK in time for my wife to get back for the funeral - it was within two or so days.

I haven't heard of cremation over here - all the family are in the cemetary at the end of the road, and we go up quite often to clean the graves and say hello. The graves are emptied of the remains after 10 years, and the bones are the put in "loculi", to save space in the cemetary I assume.

My mother-in-law often talks about Babbo, and she keeps a picture and a flower vase in the hall, and we often take flowers up for that. Plus she goes up to the grave, so I don't think there is any taboo about death here at all. In the UK, we're far more reserved.

Hi Martha
I too would like to send you and your family all my heart felt condolences. I lost a friend just before Christmas and started a similar thread, see http://my.lifeinitaly.com/showthread.php?t=2056

Funerals happen very quickly, usually within 24 hours. While I understand the reasons behind this, it makes it almost impossible for anyone living any distance away to get back in time. Moreover, it makes the whole process seem unreal because it is over so quickly.

Death doesn't seem to be a taboo subject like it is in many other places. As Markymark says, most families are buried locally so it is easy to pop along to visit those who have departed, which all goes towards making it a normal part of life.

My son passed away Oct. 24th 2006. Nothing seemed real for a long long time. Just now kind of coming back to reality.
At first you have the support of a lot of people at the funeral but then that support goes all away and you're on
your own to suffer and suffer in misery horriblemente. Guilt, remorse, depression and every other negative triste
emotion you can think of finds it's way into your mind.

In Latin societies they seem to give people more support after the death of a family member. At the wake(in a home)family and friends
come together with food, drink(pot luck)accompanied by singing, long prayers, and the visitors expresssing their condolences.
This is followed by a last visit to church in a funeral solmne. The following nine days helps the mourners to better cope with their loss.
This is what a Mexican family did that I know. I asked him about this whole process. He said Latin people really feel it
when their love ones die. Said American Anglos don't have feelings and don't much care when somebody dies.
This is at least how it seems to him and I can understand it. We Anglos kind of just have to suffer alone more.
It's probably the same in Italy or at least in the smaller towns. Probably a Catholic type custom forse.

MarkMark said: "The graves are emptied of the remains after 10 years, and the bones are
the put in "loculi", to save space in the cemetary I assume."

Some people from Argentina were just talking about this. They have to do the samething. There's plenty of room in Argentina
so it must be a Latin thing again. As far as I know it's the same in all Latin Ameican countries and Spain.

Villa - I could not begin to understand what it must feel like to lose a child. "Society" or life, prepares us to some extent, to losing our parents. It seems to me that this is one situation where some belief in a "Greater Being" helps - if you can "blame" this sort of loss on the "will of God, (whatever God means to you)", and believe that there is a greater reason for such horrible things in life to happen, maybe it is of some comfort.

Whenever I hear of young people taken before their time, I like to think that they were "just too good for this earth, and have been taken somewhere far better".

Thanks MarkyMark. I know you're just trying to make me feel better and I thank you pero...

I believe in an after life and that some day I'll be with my son again but I don't blame God for taking my son.
In fact I don't believe God took him at all. Cancer killed my son. A friend of mine smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day and died
at 59 from throat cancer.(we wondered how he lasted that long!) Did God take him, no. The smoking did. When people die of a heart
attack from eating too much fast food, not exercising and smoking it's not God that kills them. If you get cancer it's not from God
just like the Black Plague was not from God or that flesh eating disease a friend of mine got is not from God either.(He's still living by the way.)

Go ahead and believe in God all you want but let's not blame him or give him credit for taking
somebody who has died of old age, cancer or anyother deadly disease and especially the diseases that we
know have a cause such as bacteria or deadly microorganisms or some kind of viruses that people did not
know existed only a short time ago.
Dio mio! My God it's 2008 and we are no long living in the Dark Ages or are we!?

You know it really is a relief not having to blame God.

Glad to see that this thread is helping people out in the best way, with answers and condolences.

To update, we have a new article about death in Italy and customs that Italians have when it comes to those passing away. I hope it is informative, and if there are any small errors please point them out.

Click here to continue to the new article posted today: Death in Italy (http://www.lifeinitaly.com/culture/death-in-italy.asp)

Very interesting Dan. Grazie

Here in California many people even if they're not Mexican celebrate "Dia de Los Muertos" or "Day of the Dead."

November 1, All Saints Day, and November 2, All Souls Day are marked throughout Mexico by a plethora of intriguing customs that vary widely according to the ethnic roots of each region. Common to all, however, are colorful adornments and lively reunions at family burial plots, the preparation of special foods, offerings laid out for the departed on commemorative altars and religious rites that are likely to include noisy fireworks.

In most localities November 1 is set aside for remembrance of deceased infants and children, often referred to as angelitos (little angels). Those who have died as adults are honored November 2.

To update, we have a new article about death in Italy and customs that Italians have when it comes to those passing away. I hope it is informative, and if there are any small errors please point them out.


You say in the article..

"Funerals are sombre occasions in Italy. Most people still dress in black or dark colors and wakes are not jovial events as they sometimes are in Ireland and Australia. Widows used to dress in black for a year. Even thirty-five years ago when I first visited Italy I was shocked to see so many women dressed in black."


I am sure it is three years that widows dress in black.. the first year - everything is black - shoes, stockings, underwear, petticoat, dress, hat, gloves, scarf, coat.. and with each year that passes it is acceptable to lighten the use of black until in the final third year it is just a black dress.. by which time someone else has probably died and this explains why so many of the "older generation" are constantly in black.. as a sign of respect.

Mia zia was in black for the best part of 40 years! She outlived almost everyone!

Che furba! :p

I am sure it is three years that widows dress in black.. the first year - everything is black - shoes, stockings, underwear, petticoat, dress, hat, gloves, scarf, coat.. and with each year that passes it is acceptable to lighten the use of black until in the final third year it is just a black dress.. by which time someone else has probably died and this explains why so many of the "older generation" are constantly in black.. as a sign of respect.

Is that true? Wow, I did not know that! Is that throughout Italy, or in specific regions only? To clarify, I did not write the article personally, but Lisa-Anne Sanderson did, a noted writer of articles here on the site.

Another question that came up was a woman who called asking a specific question that Paolo could not answer. She had someone pass away in her deep rooted Italian family, and at the funeral serivce they were going to toast to them.

Apparently, there is a specific liquor that people use to toast to the dead, and she wanted to know what it was so that she could have it on hand.

Does anyone know what this specific liquor may be?

Sardoman, Villa and Markymark,

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I appreciate your insights into Italian culture regarding death and burial. Usually, I tend to avoid cemetaries, but I feel differently now. Thinking of caretaking the grave in honor of our loved ones seems almost therapeutic.
I enjoyed Lisa-Anne Sanderson's article as well. After my father's funeral I'm finding I reach for black clothing almost everyday without thinking. It just feels right - a way to pay respect.

Hello Aliena,

I should probably have said 'years' instead of one year. I will ask Paolo to correct it.

Three years! That would have been dreadful if one was young. It reminds me of poor Scarlett in Gone With The Wind who didn't want to dress in black at all and accepted Rhett's bid for her to dance at the ball.

Do any widows dress in black for a long time now?

Thank you for the praise, Dante.

Regards,
Lisa

hi daydreambeliever,

yes you still see the "stereotypical" widow dressed in black, although they are usually of a certain age.

My family is from Avella between Napoli and Avellino,funerals are sombre,THE DAY OF THE DEAD is observed there also ,there is a procession to the cemetery ,graves are opened the bones are cleaned, made tidy,there is also powder on the bones .
The graves are long walls of small compartments with marble door , "LOCULI"? there is a picture of the deceased on the front there are two keyholes locking the door as they are also maybe 4 or 5 high,I have photos of my deceased relatives in the graves ,some have clothes on. I don't think Italians look at Day of the Dead like Mexicans do,but it is a Catholic religious day. The black clothes exist even in NY and New Jersey,probably elsewhere too where there are large Italian populations
By the way Italians are not Anglos,they are Latins,Argentina has many Italians,hence the similar customs a previous poster observed. Sympathy to all who have lost loved ones.

My "brush with the dead" in Italy is a bit unusual.
Our 3rd night ever in Italy involved driving from Catania to an "Italian castle" that had been rented by people we didn't know all that well, from a German rental agency involving an Italian property management firm... What we did not know we did not know was that the driving instructions had been translated multiple times through multiple languages.
It was now dark, getting late on a Saturday night in March, as we try to find "the castello". I am figuring everybody is going to know where the Castello is in this small town. We know it is up hill, so how hard could it be to point us to the castle? (I know, a "stupid American" moment, staring me.)

Well we finally start up what I am now convinced is the right road, and up in the distance I see a castle like structure with lighting... This is it, i confidently say to my wife! So we pull up, only to realize we have pulled into an Italian graveyard and the lights we saw were flickering candles of the familia grave sites.

It takes me about an hour to tell the entire story of finding the Castello, but I will never forget the optimism of seeing the grave yard in the distance, and how quickly the air went out of our balloon when we realized where we really were.

Hello Aliena,

I should probably have said 'years' instead of one year. I will ask Paolo to correct it.

Three years! That would have been dreadful if one was young. It reminds me of poor Scarlett in Gone With The Wind who didn't want to dress in black at all and accepted Rhett's bid for her to dance at the ball.

Do any widows dress in black for a long time now?

Thank you for the praise, Dante.

Regards,
Lisa

Hi Lisa.

I've only just seen your post. Yes, it's still three years of mourning, but times have changed a lot, especially in the last ten years or so. It's not so strictly observed nowadays as it used to be - at least in the cities and larger towns. The smaller towns and villages (at least in Campania and other areas in southern Italy) keep more to the "old traditional ways".

Bless him,
When my father dyed we did arranged the funeral in 3 days... but I was living with my family and that halped all of us to think strongly about him for a long wile.

I am sorry
G

Hi Lisa.

I've only just seen your post. Yes, it's still three years of mourning, but times have changed a lot, especially in the last ten years or so. It's not so strictly observed nowadays as it used to be - at least in the cities and larger towns. The smaller towns and villages (at least in Campania and other areas in southern Italy) keep more to the "old traditional ways".

Hello everybody,
I have to say that I disagree with some statements I read in this discussion. Nowadays dead's relatives don't wear black clothes anymore, and there is no mourning period after the funeral. Generally funerals take place 2-3 days after the death.
Keeping the old traditional ways is not related to living in big cities or small towns, but to the people age: old people (let's say, who were born in the 1920s or before) MAY observe mourning and dress in black, but in my opinion this seldomly happens. I'm from the north of Italy and here NO ONE (neither old people) keeps this traditions; for what I could be able to see in my last journey to Salerno, they're seldom adopted even by southern Italians octuagenaries.